Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what