Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.