Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.