When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Potatoes were such a good idea
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
wow he looks just like him
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.