I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Can’t. About to go please some beans