People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Breaking news:
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
This cat wants you to take your pills
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒