“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
You Might Also Like
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?