As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.