There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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channeling her this year
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.