*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
What a chick magnet..
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”