You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
You Might Also Like
Message from the dog groomers
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
is this how new cars are made??
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.