Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
What?!?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Always 🥴
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.