ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.