I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me buying fruit and veg
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
#Caturday
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.