What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
You Might Also Like
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.