Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that