Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.