I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose