[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.