I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.