How to find Kentucky on a map
You Might Also Like
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
me: why does my back hurt
also me: