Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“