I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
You Might Also Like
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”