No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Two types of dogs.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people