*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me