Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.