[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
You Might Also Like
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT