My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Just why bro?!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
just leave it at the foot of the bed
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99