Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME