Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
What my back needs
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.