I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
You Might Also Like
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive