You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then