I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
You Might Also Like
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.