There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally