The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Lmao
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
So sick of all these stupid rules
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ