My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Not messing around
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
This was a bad idea all around
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken