I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
welp
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.