Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“Great, now I have to pee.”