Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
You Might Also Like
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]