You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Am I having a stroke?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”