[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
live long and prosper!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Ah yes. The three genders
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”