I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The struggle is real.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
fourth time’s the charm
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters