*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
You Might Also Like
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine