“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.