bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
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[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
me
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers