Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.