Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
best review i’ve ever seen
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies