we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
This is my bus stop.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella