Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform