When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
any last words?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory